What Are We Trying To Be Independent From?

I felt it would be appropriate on this Fourth of July weekend to address the topic of Independence.

Celebrating this Nation’s independence from its mother country made me consider a few things about my own independence and, others I know. Perhaps you fit into this category,too. Loudly, boldly, proudly declaring that you are separate and apart,alone but not lonely.

To go back in time a bit, I chose to get married (the first time) on July 3, so that the next day would be a holiday for everyone in attendance at the wedding and I think unconsciously I wanted to shout it out to the world that I,now, was beginning my new life, my own family apart from the dysfunctional one in which I had grown. Yes, my nuclear, biological family was one that took the FUN out of dysfunctional. I was anxious to have a REAL family and to get IT right this time! Of course, I was only 20. I was so young and naive that I failed miserably creating only another family where there was confusion,anger,inconsistency and little support for my beautiful daughters from their father or myself. We were not yet WHOLE individuals. Both from failing families, how could we have ever expected that we would even begin to know how to make our little family all that it should be?

We succeeded in divorcing and, despite us, our daughters grew up intelligent creatures, with some of their own issues, but none the less with beautiful hearts and souls.
Now, years later, having lived through all the best and worst of the sixties and all that followed including a second marriage, I find myself proudly saying that I am a very independent woman.

For this, all my nurturing qualities and feminine charms, I expect that some equally strong,knowing, and loving individual will come along and swoop me romantically into his arms and include me in his life. Allowing me my independence of course... ;-)
Seems though after you have been married and had kids, once or twice or more, or sometimes not at all, by this time in your life you are:what is proverbially called “ settled in your ways.”

You meet someone attractive. There is chemistry. You are tempted to allow yourself to become engaged in some sort of, dare I say it?, “relationship”.... Hmmm....
Do I, or don’t I ? Should I or shouldn’t I.? How far should I get into this? Do I really want to go there? Do I want to give up my space,free time,life of privacy,no strings,no nets, no chains?

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I arrive home everyday, I kinda like the quiet and that everything is still just where I left it, in its place or not.
I like not having to explain to someone that I am too tired to talk, that I need a breather, that I feel like sitting and staring into space for a moment or an hour, playing on the internet or listening to the boob tube as I sort through the refrigerator, or freezer or cabinet or menus from local restaurants to see what I feel like eating... or maybe I don’t want to eat at all. Maybe I want just to go for a walk ALONE.

Is it just me? I don’t think so. Sometimes I don’t want to answer someone's polite conversations of concern... Is it just that I haven’t fallen in love lately? Have I forgotten what that feels like? That it might feel good?
Yeah, but for how long?
Marriages don’t last. One out of every three fails, or is it two?. Second marriages have less success. Living together,,, saves on expenses for a time but then familiarity does seem to breed contempt. I’ve seen it with friends. I,too, have separated from a live in lover maintaining our friendship but separating just the same.

If there aren’t kids, or common financial assets to keep us focused do we really want to be WITH someone.

My phone is full of names and numbers.
My life has, despite what they say about never having enough, enough friends. Although I do, of course, look forward to meeting new and interesting people who might then become a part of my life.
I can’t help but enjoy having my full queen bed to myself, my own bedroom. I enjoy that no one bitches at me about anything really, except on occasion a dear friend, or my kids and that’s only if I feel like listening.

I rarely feel lonely.
Horny? YES , often..but LONELY? Sometimes maybe on News Years Eve, or when I’ve just seen some chic flick about that perfect relationship..you know, the Hollywood ending of love everlasting... or when I see an elderly couple look adoringly into each other’s eyes obviously treasuring a lifetime of memories, or when I see a couple obviously married still talking to one another in a restaurant and seemingly still enjoying a stimulating conversation.
Did you ever notice that ? You can usually tell if people are married in restaurants because they are the people NOT talking to each other, and not smiling and touching each other’s hands.

Is “FREEDOM just another word for nothing left to lose?” as the song lyrics ask....or is freedom and independence, something worth holding on to? Is it that comfort in our own skin, in our homes, to sleep all over the whole bed, not having to worry about someone else’s issues, or to think about our snoring or farting or other human noises making us less endearing to someone else, is that the true freedom we cherish?

I sort of like the idea that all the bills that come in my mailbox are my bills.

Sure, sometimes I wish someone else would be there to help me pay them.
Sometimes I’d like someone else to make a complicated decision with me or for me so I wouldn’t have to.
I would especially like when I am sick for someone to bring me a hot cup of tea, or run to the store for a craving of mine, or someone to just plain take care of things so I could just watch a movie, or CNN or read a book or whatever,,,,without having to think about anything.
A good deal of the time I want it to be ‘just me.”
Even when I walk into a restaurant alone,I really don’t mind. It took me years to overcome that eating in public alone stigma,but now, at this time of my life, I have it down.

But, the thing is, when I am horny, sometimes, in fact more often lately, I want to fall into the arms of not just a casual lover but of a lover who KNOWS me , who GETS me, who thinks I am someone really special. I want to be with that man I have always dreamed of being with, the one who is all about his life work, his passion, and who takes his play time with me as seriously as he does his work time.
I want to be with the man who cares as much about this earth and the people on it as I do and who takes the time, his and my assets to make sure that we leave the world a better place. Now THAT would be some FIREWORKS !

So I ask you, what about you? What do you really want? And if we describe ourselves as INDEPENDENT, what are we really trying to be independent from?

As the fireworks explode on this fourth and fad into the glimmer... will you be happy to be declaring your independence?Or will you be craving it?
Will you be wanting OUT of the relationship you are in? Or will you be wondering, like me, if being alone is just about perfect most of the time, but not exactly what you had dreamed or planned your life would be?

Will you boast INDEPENDENCE while you quietly, subtly wonder somewhere inside you, if “Independent “is the thing you really want to stay?

When you say you are Independent, what are you really saying you are independent from?

What are the fireworks in your life?

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY !

Njoy YOUR fireworks, whatever they are... Life is GOOD!