A Life Interrupted But Not Lost

Sometimes no matter how hard I try my health gets in the way of my activity.

I have told you I would be honest and this is the truth about my life that even people who I see on a fairly regular basis don’t know. They are friends or acquaintances in social situations and others who I help to maintain and maximize their own health or to keep the losses and stresses in their lives from draining their Spirits.

My story is not complicated, but it is probably not familiar to many of you.

You see when I was 38 years old, just a few months after my second marriage I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
Now why in the world would I tell you that, here on a blog about sexuality?

Well, maybe it is because after a year and a half of almost complete remission I find myself once again in the grips of the relapsing/ remitting symptoms of this illness, and of the result of lower resistance to other viruses and infections.

I recently got over a flu ,,,not swine, I was tested, but a flu and ear and throat infection.

It was exhausting, but nothing in comparison to what I live through in the hours, days, weeks, and, in the past, months that I suffer with the limitations of the pain of my M.S.

M.S. is not always painful and apparently it is not always severely debilitating.
I have struggled with a variety of symptoms but mostly it is the burning neuropathic pain that keeps me from my life when it does arise.
It is sort of like a light switch of pain that clicks on whenever, wherever and then it clicks off whenever it feels like. I compare it to the pain in the old movie Rosemary’s Baby. The main character has the gnawing debilitating pain for months and then it just suddenly stops.

So it is with my life. Except of course I have not been impregnated by the Devil...
And so it is the reason that I live my life outside of any serious relationship.
I can barely deal with the illness myself. How could anyone else?

I do go to the gym, and go out dancing and have pleasantly exhausting all night sex with my partner or partners ( one at a time, though I do have a fantasy about TWO men,lol)... I would not burden anyone else with the ups and downs of ME over the long haul.
One day so healthy and enthusiastic about life that I am hiking, and dancing and finding ways to have a travel adventure of one sort or another. On another occasion I might be found in bed or on my couch alone, watching CNN or medical programs which are my passion or sleeping the pain away, if I can sleep.

You will ask if I have been properly diagnosed. I assure you that I have from some of the best medical centers and doctors. You will ask about treatments, I have rejected all after carefully researching and watching their side effects in others with this hideous disease.
I do medicate on occasion for pain. But I meditate more.
I am not by any means addicted though sometimes in the height of the pain, I wish that I was. Sometimes a pain medication takes the edge off the pain sometimes not. I have once or twice been curled up in a ball without relief from heat pads or ice packs, or medications. I have refused any form of morphine, patches etc,,,because I want the life I live most of the time to be without brain fog, and drug induced side effects.

I am one of those people who you would pass on a walk, or in the store and chat with and never know that somewhere in my brain there are lesions that cause a disconnect that for me does not progressively debilitate but, which on occasion sometimes more often then I would like, causes debilitating pain.
Yes folks, I have tried Marijuana. too and though sometimes it helped, along with the munchies, sometimes it has no effect so I simply live in the moment of the pain and believe. that as it always has before, it will go away again.

So on a lighter note. Multiple Sclerosis is not what or who I am though on those days of pain I feel that it well may be.
Multiple Sclerosis is like aging all too young.

Being limited from the things you love to do, not being able to commit for the most part to time schedules,plans, and commitments to plans with friends. It eats at your social interaction as it eats at your central nervous system and only those strong friends survive in my world... strong friends and those that wander in and out of my life as lovers who never know, because they cannot see it, and so I never tell them.
They know me as the woman with passion for life and fun, music and nature, dance and sex.
They know me as joyous of Spirit a compassionate, listening, caring and,perhaps flirty, friend who is there when they call to offer them a soft place to fall.

You see, if I can meet my own challenges, surely I can offer them a place to put theirs.

So for joy I write this blog about romance and relationship and lust and passionate sex.

I am thrilled to be given this opportunity.

My illness has moved me along more quickly I think on my Spiritual path and I do well at sensing souls,seeing beyond the facade of some troubled beings.

I value my relationships with women as much as I value my relationships with men.

No I do NOT find women sexually attractive so I don’t have sex with women. But I do understand that kind of love, partnership and companionship.

I remain friends with my ex’s and have been understanding and friends with some of their new girlfriends, or wives.

I believe women have a bond that needs to be strengthened, not weakened and broken.
And men, though very different, are also sensitive creatures who often are out of touch with their feelings and are, more so then women, pushed into different behaviors by the content of their hormones and equipment below the waist.

There are lost souls in both sexes. People who are insecure, and need to lie and to keep running out of fear, and some who never seem to get how to do that without hurting others.

I value honesty above all else, and so demand from others what I give them.

I may not like what my man has to tell me, but I would rather hear it from his mouth then find out he has been lying to me. Lies and betrayal have a way of making you feel like the other person thinks you are STUPID and STUPID, or feeling like a FOOL,is one of the most hurtful things you can allow your self to feel.

As you continue to read the other posts, and there are many more to come about my past experiences with men and those that are current, i hope that you will keep all of this in mind.

I write because I must. For me it is like breathing.

You know you have found a passion when time is lost to you... and when you want to return to it over and over again.

Writing, travel, deep conversations,the beauty in nature especially the ocean,mountains, stars,rainbows, flowers, the loss of breath that comes at the end of a hike on an ocean cliff, rowing an outrigger across the bay, or at the end of more then a few dances, or at the culmination of sexual exuberance,,, this is really my life and who I am.
And so I will continue to write about it for all who are interested in continuing to read it.

Thank you my silent friends and those that write to me here and there.
Njoy the read. LIFE IS GOOD !