ARE MEN TRAINABLE ?

Are Men Trainable ?

Let me begin this with a preface.
This writer years ago, after her first divorce,(I have survived two)had a crush on a handsome bartender who worked at, what we called in New York City, the neighborhood bar. He was delightful,tall, muscular, attentive to his patrons and personable with an appealing crooked smile. He was, probably, even to this day, the best Bartender I have ever met.
Unfortunately he was “taken”. He was seriously dating some dribbly woman with the personality of a dead fish and devoid of a passion for life. Knowing of my obvious adoration for her boy friend she appropriately hated my guts. Well, appropriately for that day and age and time in both of our earthly journeys.
While in a ladies room stall one night I heard her boasting to a friend that she almost had her boyfriend “trained.” She described men much like untamed and ill behaved dogs who needed to be scolded ,punished and rewarded very menially for learning to perform well. She didn’t mean sexually, she meant that men needed to learn to be compliant with the “rules” of behavior of dating.
Now these days there are, as you all well know, all of those books about DATING and RULES... “The Men are from Mars” thing at one point became part of our conversations. But at the time of my ease dropping on this woman’s discussion with her friend, I have to tell you I was appalled. The hairs on the back of neck stood up. MY bartender,,, and NO other man needed any such thing. IF with the RIGHT woman he would be a perfect gentlemen and never need cues, or punishments, or condescending reward charts.
I am still apprehensive when I see all the “how to” date books on the market ,,,the relationship issue stuff that gives explanation and direction then paragraphs a certain man or woman and “their story” to prove the point. Some of these written by the all knowing author.... many of whom,like myself , have been married and divorced , or are headed there, or are single after never maintaining any lengthy meaningful relationships.
Please note I do not exclude myself from this group of “advisers” and remind all of you that I am not Dear Abby and though I do have experience in counseling, I am certainly no expert in all of this relationship enigma stuff. I don’t have all of the answers any more then you do. I am purely an observer,one with years of dating experience, but one with guided and misguided misjudgments. I was once, and I suppose always will be in my truest nature a classic CODEPENDENT.
I just don’t live that life style anymore. It became seriously uncomfortable for me. And once you have stepped back from it and had some work done...psychological not cosmetic ..you simply can’t go back to the insanity of it all.
But, back to men and training .
It all came up because this weekend I met a man who appeared to be close to exquisite at least through my Absolut and tonic goggles. After some conversation, he asked and I gave him my number, a kiss or two and encouraged him to call me.
Then it began; First that late night phone call...just reaffirming the spark of interest. Then the text messages of various levels of brevity and maturity. Things like... “I can’t wait to see you.” And when I ignored that text, another from him,” It’s W, I’m fun.”
Then there was the one , "I am at “meat market”club have a flat. Come pick me up.”
HUH ?!!! OMG ! I barely knew this man ... independent,,, he had said,divorced and had two kids,new to the area.... and he had resorted already to avoiding phone conversations,used texting in terms that were juvenile. The ploy about the flat tire was my favorite but there were others.
If you are a guy reading this, please remember ALWAYS that asking a woman to come save you from a flat tire just isn’t at all appealing. It screams spoiled immature idiot!

Well having discussed these amusing text quips with my best friend, and a follow up conversation with this handsome god,that suggested he might have a brain somewhere and just be socially inept, she declared... “Oh well, perhaps he is trainable.” And so the can of worms was opened. The land of the lost man boy was revisited. Should I really bother to meet this guy for even a coffee or should I just chalk him up to Absolut and tonic goggles...that altered state of mind thing.?
He had been persistent in calling when he finally realized I was going to ignore his stupid text messages and attempts to lure me to save him. When the conversation about getting together came down to an obvious pitch for a booty call, and I called him on it. “Is this a BOOTY call?” And after a disconnect ( his cell phone dropping the call, he said) after an hour,he called back.He quickly recanted and offered drinks and perhaps a few appetizers..maybe even dinner.
I have finally learned over the years and it has been many years, to say out loud what I am thinking, though not always in the phrasing that runs through my mind. I was admittedly an emotionally slow learner early on in dating life. I was quiet, and shy and even soft spoken. Thus the direct comment to him re: the booty call.
In my thirties,I could be HAD with looks and charm and later on in life with promises of vacations and shopping...
But when the concept of TRAINING a man was resurfaced, I could only recall and recoil at the thought.
Oh no.!!! I don’t have the patience or the time or if you think about it,even the RIGHT to train anyone!
You see as much as I am describing in my stories to you my less demure side, my sexually free side, I am a Spiritual being in human form. Yes, I know, that sounds all too out there for some of you, but I truly believe I am. And I stand by my conviction that though I may meet others at times in their lives when their ‘process” and experiences need to include some feelings of entitlement,privilege and chutzpah ( I think, is the Yiddish word for “balls”), I need not try to correct or set straight or teach, or preach, or change them in any way. You see if I don’t like what I am experiencing or feeling that is MY issue and so all I need do is to move on. With heart intact and kindness of Spirit, all I need to do is to back away and allow that person their own process, their own learning experience. I cannot be judgmental, because if I wasn’t there, where they are, once, I might be there some day myself. Who knows!?
So on the question of, “Are men trainable?” I abstain.

I am no longer interested in half people... you know the ones that are going to make me a “whole person.”I already am WHOLE. I am not interested in “my better half” because my better half is within me, though it may sometimes get lost in the day to day happenings of life and emotions. I am not looking to train, nor to have to teach, nor to have to wait for someone to become someone who is more “acceptable” to me. I am comfortable in my own skin and hope to draw to me people, both men and women, who are comfortable in their own skin.
I am by no means perfect. I have faults and flaws just like the next human being.
And, oh yes, I don’t want to BE TRAINED either.!
So go out there and be your self.
Be TRUE to that and you will never have to train anyone... except maybe to remember to wash his hairy stubble out of your bathroom sink and to put the toilet seat down.

I love men just the way they are.
Some I would rather not be in a relationship with, and so I am not. And if and when I meet an equal partner who values me as much as I value him I will bow to him in NAMASTE.... honoring that which is Sacred in him and never ever try to change it,because over and over again I have learned I cannot change anyone but my SELF. And in valuing the uniqueness of each man who comes into my life, I have learned to value my SELF and give my Self permission to be flawed yet still amazingly and uniquely different and beautiful.
“Training” is not in my relationship dictionary.
Kudos to all of you who have learned to love yourselves.
And to walk away softly when whatever it is doesn’t feel right.
Life is Good!