True ADULT CONTENT

I had originally intended to continue with the Ugly Truth topic, or perhaps to share some stories of Ghosts of Lovers past... but I find myself this week preoccupied with a more intense ruminations in my brain.
So here I go putting my heart out on my sleeve in a way. Without too many particulars. Here's the thing... This blog is ADULT CONTENT, right? Well you can't get more Adult Content then when you speak of feelings, heart felt emotions.
Now that is scary shit!
There are a million things written about love. I have already mentioned somewhere here my favorite... "Love does not exist...Only demonstrations of Love... " Cocteau.
I have come to truly believe this. You and I, whoever and wherever you are, have all heard the WORDS and then have had someone the object of our affections FAIL TO FOLLOW THROUGH.
In fact sometimes they not only fail to follow through they go above and beyond the point of disappointing behavior everything from not listening, not responding, not being there, not being considerate, compassionate, understanding or rational.
In my case, in my past, when I picked "winner" mates they were either addicts or had serious and I mean serious social/mental issues. I have been classically co-dependent.
Now suffice it to say that I am a woman and have my own issues that I have needed to confront and grow from in the past.
I was by no means perfect.But I was never MEAN. I was never UNFAITHFUL when in a committed relationship and I was never violent,well except when I was defending myself from my spouse who was a lot larger in stature and a lot stronger.
I confess to believing that I could change the person I married. To being so immature in understanding that you can't fall in love with the ideal man in your head and then project that image on to the man you have chosen who is is a couple of words... "the bad boy."
But I am wiser now.
At one time I was proud that I was a virgin until I was 20. That I had until I relocated to Arizona 19 years ago only slept with three men...two of them my husbands.
Then I was I proud that I had slept with more men then I could count on one and,ahh,,two hands,,, umm two hand and toes...well, you get it! I made up for my naivete and inexperience in a fit of angry,,,, a "a somehow I'll get even approach" and "I'll find out what this is all about..I'll find out why a man can do it," I'll be the one who steps away rather then the one who is abandoned, at least abandoned mentally,Spiritually ...left to feel inadequate,never enough, always just average, if that.
So why this confession to you now?
Because Love is adult content!
I am in the midst of realizing that in all these years I have rarely met and dated, and given myself physically to a man who I totally respected. I thought I had. But life is new every day and I have by the most unusual circumstance in the most unusual place met a man who is definitely growing on me as I grow...
Yep still,even now,I find myself growing in understanding of Self and the capability to open oneself up,to be vulnerable and to still feel SAFE.
If you understand what I am saying then you have been fortunate, because you have found a real and profound love. For me there has always been a fulfillment in the getting to know and knowing the other person, but there has been a true disconnect when it came to that first and most important of all things in love:Respect,Trust,a blossoming friendship of depth and the wonder of quality of another person's values and Spirit,first before the sexual... It scares me beyond belief...and feels both intriguing and more stimulating then physical foreplay.
I know I am being very general here and you very much want all the juicy details of who,what, why,where, how.
I apologize.
I have had a deep relationship in the past with a world famous Rock Star and would protect him because of his fame and notoriety. Yet now this "everyday man" who is the object of my affection from afar is the one I choose to keep privately in my heart for now. If and when our friendship becomes more I will share more.
For now,I can only say that I am enamoured for a man who first caught my eye, then kept my interest through his personality and has begun to steal my heart because of the depth of his Spirit.

If this friendship stays a friendship and deepens only in that, I will be blessed beyond my wildest dreams.
If the friendship has a capacity to grow into a physical bond as well, my words will be gushing off these pages, and my heart will be filled beyond description.

I didn't think that I believed in love anymore. I was always in control...out of fear...out of past hurts. Now I find myself sitting across from a man whose eyes like the ocean lift all my trouble and worries,,, make me feel completely serene, and believing in my Self and all I can be just because of the way he looks at me.
My friends, some, at least, think I will be hurt. And God knows risking love can always bring hurt. It is a matter of weighing the risk, and my Spirit as much as my heart have already weighed in on this, my Ocean man. In the middle of the desert, in a hot, hot, summer I have come to realize that what is important to me is Joy and Purity of Spirit that which he shares with me.
And as I delight in this fantasy that has already moved toward something I never dreamed, I know this:
"Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable
fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols
called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible
language of the heart." - Martin Luther King Jr.

And that my friends is about as ADULT in content as you can get... and it has nothing to do with sex!...Life is so GOOD!