Where Did My Clit Go ?

They say to give readers what they want.
 And it is clear from page clicks that you like to read about SEX.
 How simple we human beings are to figure out. Just mention one word and I have your undivided attention.
SEX!
 Well I don't get paid for this blog but I enjoy the writing, and the fact that you want to read my steamier stuff,so here goes.

Every woman has a clitoris...clit for short.

It may surprise you to know that they too like men's penis or peni come in different sizes.
It was therefore a big concern for me (pun intended) that my clit had somehow managed to grow smaller. So small I had trouble finding it. And,yes, I looked !

I had been slow to have sexual desire. This was not like me at all. But it never dawned on me to look for a reason. I had been sick, I had been busy, I had been, well, preoccupied with life. So now I had become more average. Like friends I had known over the years I had desire but only on occasion and orgasm was harder to reach.

 WOW ! I don't believe I am telling you this ! But I did promise to be honest and open.

I am a boomer woman. No longer in my youthful prime.
Isn't this expected at my age ? The body, having its own sense of warped humor,slows you down just when you have learned who exactly you are and feel really good about it.
  I had learned finally to play the game, and to read men, and I had come to enjoy the dance.

Then there it was MISSING! My clit was missing!

I had no idea why...but."wherefore art thou, clit?" ... became my mantra.
What the hell had happened to me?
I had always been as one partner reminded me,,, "well endowed."
"Always horny."
It had always been there right upfront where it belonged and ready for action.
It became engorged at the appropriate times and led me and my partner to hours and wonders of delight.
Now it was MIA !
SHIT! It was a shock and led me into hiding and depression.
If I could not find it without difficulty then my partner(s) would notice too.
What would I tell them?
"I'm sorry dear but it just went away."
"My clit is on vacation."
"It's there somewhere. Please help me search for it?!"

Well after months of ignoring men, and starting to accept that my body, my most precious private parts had betrayed me, I took myself to my gynecologist for my well woman exam.

Dare I tell this precious woman who had looked at my pussy and hundreds and thousands over time my serious concern over my most treasured possession?

I assumed the position and she inserted the speculum as required, did the pap smear swipe, fingered me in the appropriate manner and leaned backed and said, "OK all looks good."

ALL LOOKS GOOD ? What was she kidding? Was she blind? Had she not noticed in all these years that I had a really prominent healthy clitoris that was now somewhere in there but not how and where it should be?
 Now what do I do? Do I  remain silent about my biggest concern.
Do I not point out that IT is clearly in hiding,cloistered, gone somewhere to some nunnery?

I decided another approach.
"I just don't FEEL like myself. My sexual desire has dropped off. It just isn't me. I don't feel like a woman."
She looked at me with wide eyes, clearly questioning.what the hell I was talking about.
She had judged me before, I knew.. last year when I had been asked "How many sex partners have you had?"
"When?" I had retorted ." Do you mean today,last night, last week, this month?"
Her blank stare was intimidating.
"Do you mean in my LIFETIME ?!?!
OMG ! She DID !  She wanted to know how many men I had been with in my LIFETIME !!!

I'm sure I blushed. I was on the one hand proud, and, on the other hand, embarrassed as I thought back over the years of sexual activity that started at 20. Oh good grief ! There was no way of getting out of this one.
Should I lie?
Hell, no ! I was going to proudly represent all the BOOMER WOMEN who had enjoyed their fought for and  laboriously negotiated sexual freedom. I was a child of the sixties. No Gynecologist especially a woman was going to make me feel badly about those delectable trysts I had had over my best apres divorced years.
I was proud of who I was and how I delighted in being a sensual and sexually active woman.

So I had spit out the number to her.
Her twenty something assistant winced then smile.
 The doctor swallowed hard then in a sort of what I determined to be a jealous gawk, she marked my chart. I could not see what she wrote but I was sure she had written two words: MATURE SLUT.

 So now she starred at me for saying I had no sexual desire like I was some unusual specimen to be reproached. I guess she figured I had burned up all my allotted fun. She clearly wondered,"what are you complaining about?"
Yes it was clear on her face... WHAT was she suppose to do for me?

So I asked the only appropriate question without getting too personal.
"DO you think my testosterone may be low?"

Her eyes widened again. Had I been reading the Internet? Watching too many late night infomercials.?

"Well, she said, I doubt that is your problem. It could be but it usually isn't."

"Really?" I said. "Well I am just NOT MYSELF and I think that you should test my hormone levels cause I don't even feel like exercising lately and I am just not ME!"

She saw the insistence in my eyes. My emphatic statement had intimidated her this time.
"All right" she muttered "We'll do the test."

She marched me to the lab where the lab tech looked at the order,looked at me and said."Oh, not feeling like YOU?"
I was so relieved. I wanted to tell her the real story about how my healthy hanging clitoris had seemingly disappeared but I did not want to scare the young pregnant girl in the other seat.

After what seemed to be a terribly long wait at home, there was a phone call.
"Your testosterone levels are barely there...bottomed out."
AH HAA ! I had been right.

Six weeks later after applying 4 clicks of my cute little testosterone cream dispenser from the compounding pharmacy, daily. I felt human again.

My muscles felt stronger.
I wanted to work out.
And,of course ,best of all I not only had my sexual desire back.
I had found my CLIT again !
It isn't back to "normal size" for me that is.
But, there, like a budding rose all pink and proper it hangs.
And I suspect it will soon be affecting that very same number asked once before.

Like age it is after all just a number.
Boomer Woman with a sex life:
Patient number : MATURE SLUT
I'M BAAACK !

LIFE IS GOOD !

WOMEN KNOW

We live each others' pain, so we do not have to look at our own. You know it. I know it. We hide. Some in our work, Some in the flesh of the man we give our wetness to, Some in our fantasies of wealth or riches, Or the ripeness of another woman's lips, In our striving for independence,,, Or the soft fuzzy faces of the pets that greet us at the door or sleep in our beds We allow ourselves to settle. Even as we live our strength, Our competency, Our efficiency, Our control. We were pure once. We gave our hearts away. We try to forget the pain. We bury it. Not everyday... We don't have to It is buried so deep We forget to remember. We live. We laugh. We love ...maybe. We seek out our sisters. We listen. We share, But not too much Never that much, Not the whole package of pain. Not all the "I'm sorrys" that we heard over and over again. We dare not see it, Or give it life one more time. Afraid that we will fail to slay it again., survive it again. Shhhhhhhh..... It's ok my sister. It is all right. I know you lost your self back then. I lost myself too. We go on. We feel joy. We finally find the Divinity within. But we dare not acknowledge it enough to give it away again. NOT LIKE WE DID BEFORE, Not like so very long ago. It can never be the way that it was. I can never be the way that I was. You can never be the way that you were. Purity, Innocence, We sample a taste sometimes, Sometimes we allow ourselves to remember. Then we let it go. It can never happen again. It can never be as it was. You know it.... I know it. Feel my pain, I will feel yours. But we dare not allow ourselves to feel our own PAIN again. Life is too short. We need to be strong women. We can never really let go of all of those empty, ..."I'm sorrys." We just can't. They changed us forever. Every woman knows it. I know it. You know it. 2012