Where Did My Clit Go ?

They say to give readers what they want.
 And it is clear from page clicks that you like to read about SEX.
 How simple we human beings are to figure out. Just mention one word and I have your undivided attention.
SEX!
 Well I don't get paid for this blog but I enjoy the writing, and the fact that you want to read my steamier stuff,so here goes.

Every woman has a clitoris...clit for short.

It may surprise you to know that they too like men's penis or peni come in different sizes.
It was therefore a big concern for me (pun intended) that my clit had somehow managed to grow smaller. So small I had trouble finding it. And,yes, I looked !

I had been slow to have sexual desire. This was not like me at all. But it never dawned on me to look for a reason. I had been sick, I had been busy, I had been, well, preoccupied with life. So now I had become more average. Like friends I had known over the years I had desire but only on occasion and orgasm was harder to reach.

 WOW ! I don't believe I am telling you this ! But I did promise to be honest and open.

I am a boomer woman. No longer in my youthful prime.
Isn't this expected at my age ? The body, having its own sense of warped humor,slows you down just when you have learned who exactly you are and feel really good about it.
  I had learned finally to play the game, and to read men, and I had come to enjoy the dance.

Then there it was MISSING! My clit was missing!

I had no idea why...but."wherefore art thou, clit?" ... became my mantra.
What the hell had happened to me?
I had always been as one partner reminded me,,, "well endowed."
"Always horny."
It had always been there right upfront where it belonged and ready for action.
It became engorged at the appropriate times and led me and my partner to hours and wonders of delight.
Now it was MIA !
SHIT! It was a shock and led me into hiding and depression.
If I could not find it without difficulty then my partner(s) would notice too.
What would I tell them?
"I'm sorry dear but it just went away."
"My clit is on vacation."
"It's there somewhere. Please help me search for it?!"

Well after months of ignoring men, and starting to accept that my body, my most precious private parts had betrayed me, I took myself to my gynecologist for my well woman exam.

Dare I tell this precious woman who had looked at my pussy and hundreds and thousands over time my serious concern over my most treasured possession?

I assumed the position and she inserted the speculum as required, did the pap smear swipe, fingered me in the appropriate manner and leaned backed and said, "OK all looks good."

ALL LOOKS GOOD ? What was she kidding? Was she blind? Had she not noticed in all these years that I had a really prominent healthy clitoris that was now somewhere in there but not how and where it should be?
 Now what do I do? Do I  remain silent about my biggest concern.
Do I not point out that IT is clearly in hiding,cloistered, gone somewhere to some nunnery?

I decided another approach.
"I just don't FEEL like myself. My sexual desire has dropped off. It just isn't me. I don't feel like a woman."
She looked at me with wide eyes, clearly questioning.what the hell I was talking about.
She had judged me before, I knew.. last year when I had been asked "How many sex partners have you had?"
"When?" I had retorted ." Do you mean today,last night, last week, this month?"
Her blank stare was intimidating.
"Do you mean in my LIFETIME ?!?!
OMG ! She DID !  She wanted to know how many men I had been with in my LIFETIME !!!

I'm sure I blushed. I was on the one hand proud, and, on the other hand, embarrassed as I thought back over the years of sexual activity that started at 20. Oh good grief ! There was no way of getting out of this one.
Should I lie?
Hell, no ! I was going to proudly represent all the BOOMER WOMEN who had enjoyed their fought for and  laboriously negotiated sexual freedom. I was a child of the sixties. No Gynecologist especially a woman was going to make me feel badly about those delectable trysts I had had over my best apres divorced years.
I was proud of who I was and how I delighted in being a sensual and sexually active woman.

So I had spit out the number to her.
Her twenty something assistant winced then smile.
 The doctor swallowed hard then in a sort of what I determined to be a jealous gawk, she marked my chart. I could not see what she wrote but I was sure she had written two words: MATURE SLUT.

 So now she starred at me for saying I had no sexual desire like I was some unusual specimen to be reproached. I guess she figured I had burned up all my allotted fun. She clearly wondered,"what are you complaining about?"
Yes it was clear on her face... WHAT was she suppose to do for me?

So I asked the only appropriate question without getting too personal.
"DO you think my testosterone may be low?"

Her eyes widened again. Had I been reading the Internet? Watching too many late night infomercials.?

"Well, she said, I doubt that is your problem. It could be but it usually isn't."

"Really?" I said. "Well I am just NOT MYSELF and I think that you should test my hormone levels cause I don't even feel like exercising lately and I am just not ME!"

She saw the insistence in my eyes. My emphatic statement had intimidated her this time.
"All right" she muttered "We'll do the test."

She marched me to the lab where the lab tech looked at the order,looked at me and said."Oh, not feeling like YOU?"
I was so relieved. I wanted to tell her the real story about how my healthy hanging clitoris had seemingly disappeared but I did not want to scare the young pregnant girl in the other seat.

After what seemed to be a terribly long wait at home, there was a phone call.
"Your testosterone levels are barely there...bottomed out."
AH HAA ! I had been right.

Six weeks later after applying 4 clicks of my cute little testosterone cream dispenser from the compounding pharmacy, daily. I felt human again.

My muscles felt stronger.
I wanted to work out.
And,of course ,best of all I not only had my sexual desire back.
I had found my CLIT again !
It isn't back to "normal size" for me that is.
But, there, like a budding rose all pink and proper it hangs.
And I suspect it will soon be affecting that very same number asked once before.

Like age it is after all just a number.
Boomer Woman with a sex life:
Patient number : MATURE SLUT
I'M BAAACK !

LIFE IS GOOD !

WOMEN KNOW

We live each others' pain, so we do not have to look at our own. You know it. I know it. We hide. Some in our work, Some in the flesh of the man we give our wetness to, Some in our fantasies of wealth or riches, Or the ripeness of another woman's lips, In our striving for independence,,, Or the soft fuzzy faces of the pets that greet us at the door or sleep in our beds We allow ourselves to settle. Even as we live our strength, Our competency, Our efficiency, Our control. We were pure once. We gave our hearts away. We try to forget the pain. We bury it. Not everyday... We don't have to It is buried so deep We forget to remember. We live. We laugh. We love ...maybe. We seek out our sisters. We listen. We share, But not too much Never that much, Not the whole package of pain. Not all the "I'm sorrys" that we heard over and over again. We dare not see it, Or give it life one more time. Afraid that we will fail to slay it again., survive it again. Shhhhhhhh..... It's ok my sister. It is all right. I know you lost your self back then. I lost myself too. We go on. We feel joy. We finally find the Divinity within. But we dare not acknowledge it enough to give it away again. NOT LIKE WE DID BEFORE, Not like so very long ago. It can never be the way that it was. I can never be the way that I was. You can never be the way that you were. Purity, Innocence, We sample a taste sometimes, Sometimes we allow ourselves to remember. Then we let it go. It can never happen again. It can never be as it was. You know it.... I know it. Feel my pain, I will feel yours. But we dare not allow ourselves to feel our own PAIN again. Life is too short. We need to be strong women. We can never really let go of all of those empty, ..."I'm sorrys." We just can't. They changed us forever. Every woman knows it. I know it. You know it. 2012

The FLAWLESS BODY /SEX IN THE MIRROR

I have found myself of late posting lengthy entries to my Facebook page. Political commentaries, baseball notes and updates, my daily nebulous thoughts... It all really is rather meaningless as you know. I don't remember how I got talked into Facebook anyway. Posting regularly leaves yourself open to others scrutiny... because they have had a day when they have nothing better to do then peer into your life and weigh in on yours or at least my "stream of consciousness" comments.
I really don't expect people to take me seriously as even as I write the things, my mind is changing about what I am saying. Perhaps I am not normal. Perhaps I am a bit schizophrenic. I, of course, like to think that I am just a sample of the ordinary woman, with perhaps more time on my hands then some, or at least when having time chooses rather then to shop or garden or watch television or read or gossip about the neighbors heads to my laptop or to my wonderful IPHONE to immortalize a thought.lol
Yes,I have become a Facebook addict.

Now this blog is to be about my sex life which I do not post on Facebook so let me go ahead and be consistent so as not to disappoint.

I did last October enjoy the company of a young man and that went well. Actually it was quite comfortable,not unforgettable but to be frank,we were both pretty toasted from an OKTOBERFEST Celebration. It was in fact simply fun.

Soon after that I had moved to another neighboring city to live with a sweet,and dear man who I adored and still do in a much different way.
I have to say that he was the one man who, in living together, had every opportunity to disappoint but never did. He came with a bonus package of an adorable son, who was impossible not to love. But, alas, seeing that this love of mine for this great guy was not going to go where I would have liked it to go, ( not really sure where that was but would have known it had anything unfolded), I moved back into my own home.

I am wise enough to know that at this point in my life, there are few really surprising let downs, there is only LIFE as it unfolds, and Plan B is always an option.
So PLAN B being what it was to simply stay friends and move out rather then fall deeply into unrequited love, yes, I chose Plan B.

And since then some health issues slowed me down. Some reevaluating and self growth took place and after a commitment to celibacy, I broke down in MAY into the arms of a man who lived in FANTASY LAND mentally. I was immediately aware of this, but hot and horny as one woman can get after a long stint of celibacy I caved. I found myself in bed with the man who collected interesting artifacts displayed throughout his home, two planes (real ones) at the local airport that no longer could fly, and a mirror over his bed.

I had never had the mirror over the bed experience. I had had the mirrors around the room thing, but never the mirror over the bed.
You know the ceiling mirror has its advantages.
Even when you are naked and in the throws of all kind of positions that ceiling mirror is smiling down like the sun reflecting the candle light and making you look pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. Now please know I am the most critical of critical when it comes to my naked body and no lights or soft, soft lights is my preference, but for some reason that ceiling mirror is amazing !
Flashes of flesh and after a while I am thinking, "Oh OK, this is what men see that women do not."
Once we get our clothes off and that close to the actual act, they see these flashes of beautiful, voluptuous, heated passionate body parts. WOW ! Who ever knew?!

I really could not have seen it before this. We actually do look pretty hot.
It was a definite eye opener.
Though, I chose this to be only a one night stand I will forever remember that.

As my friend who I lived with just recently said,"We men don't see what you women see when those clothes are coming off." as he shook his head in disbelief as we women were discussing being self critical and self conscious.

What a REVELATION... it was possible! In that mirror on the ceiling and in their eyes we are outrageous Goddesses of beauty and pleasure.

So my advice is as previously described. Of course be clean,and whenever possible wear the sexy adornments and the pleasant smelling pheromones,,,when getting up to go get that glass of water, or to use the restroom, no need to grab the sheet to cover up, though a soft light from behind you is always most flattering,it is still for us somewhat about the lighting,,, but remember his eyes are not your eyes.
Sing praises for that.
His eyes are more like my friend described,,, oblivious to flaws,,
and remember the eyes of the mirror on the ceiling. I always will.
It is all GOOD... Life IS GOOD !!!

Classes: Get Your Groove Back !

I will be teaching classes in the Phoenix area for women who would like to explore their sensual side, improve their confidence and find or keep the man of their dreams.

See my ad on Craigslist Phoenix under Classes to begin in January. 6 Weeks/ 3 Hours/One Night a Week/
for the cost of a movie ticket and a movie snack, or two drinks and an appy. ;-)

http://phoenix.craigslist.org/nph/cls/1967002011.html

Join us ! Openings for only 6 -8 women... Book now!

Or email me at : Personalpathways@aol.com

COCO Before Chanel: The Movie

I watched this movie this evening.
It was a relaxing end to an Easter Day that was somewhat reflective.
There were many good lines in this movie...

"Love is best in Fairy Tales" was one of them.

Now, that is food for thought,isn't it?

We spend our adult lives looking for the right person. We pursue LOVE, a relationship and judge ourselves according to whether or not we "have" a relationship, and how well it is going.
But this question poses a serious consideration.

Is love,True LOVE, Romantic LOVE , the Perfect LOVE with that, at least, almost perfect person, just a fantasy?
Is it just the fodder of fairy tales?

I had always thought not. But I had been blinded by my own perception of the person(s) I chose to love and to love me.

In fairy tales the end is always the happily ever after, isn't it?

It is not, what another line in this movies proposes.
"What does it feel like to be in love?" is the question, and the answer in this movie and perhaps in all of life is: " Love hurts, hurts, hurts."

Of course we know that the feeling of love produces brain chemistry that makes us feel really good,sometimes euphoric BUT love does hurt doesn't it? Because another person can never ever satisfy all our emotional needs,nor should they be expected to.

But expect them to, we do.

We are NOT perfect but we seek perfection in our lovers, and spouses. We expect them always to know what we are thinking, what we need, and,even, to read our minds.
We voice our disappointment when they do not live up to our perception of what I once read is called the,"GIANT SELF."

If they fib to us in an attempt to make themselves more loved and acceptable to us, we accuse them of lying. But who of us has not at least once or twice exaggerated a story just a tweak to make ourselves look better in someone else's eyes.

None of us is perfect, yet we expect perfection.

I am guilty of all of this.
As a woman I have found myself looking for faults in the seemingly "perfect" partner.

If you look for faults in anything in life but especially in the people closest to you, you will find them.
We are harsh judges.
Why is that? When most of our religions teach us to be compassionate, understanding, merciful? Perhaps it is base human nature.
As it is that in beginning stages of any relationship things seem perfect. Even the most hideous of our habits are charming to our new love. With time and familiarity those very same habits become annoyances.

We are strange creatures,human beings. All of this is because even though we are Spiritual beings, we exist in this time and place in human form.
Human form with all its flaws and imperfections.

As a romantic I still have hope that some day someone will love me even with my faults and flaws. That they will over look my foolish exaggerations, they will forgive that I snort when I laugh heartily, and maybe even that I snore.

In this movie, about the earlier years of Coco Chanel, she is determined to never marry.

Coco Chanel never did marry, though she did, as portrayed in this movie, fall in love.
She considered love somewhat of a foolish emotion. Perhaps she was far wiser then myself.

Foolish as it may be, we crave being loved. We desire to be in unity with GOD and with another human being.

We convince ourselves we don't need it, don't want it, but eventually IT is there.

There is a moment when we make a decision to love.
It is my experience that in that moment when we make a subconscious decision to once again return to the neediness of twelve year old little girls, or fifteen year old little boys, we make a decision to trust.

Trust.
Have you thought about the enormity, the power of that one word and concept ???

Yet at some point,outside of the fairy tale,in real life we walk to that cliff and we feel ourselves falling. In that moment of pure insanity we decide to allow ourselves not just to fall off that cliff. In that moment we decide to jump, and in that moment of deciding to jump we hope with all our Faith and with all our TRUST that we will FLY.

But as a sometimes skeptic, just perhaps the other line in this movie that struck me is more accurate. "The most interesting thing about being in love is making love. Too bad you need a guy to do that."

Now,lesbian relationships, aside,,, and please if you are a man insert the word "woman" for the word "guy" in the above sentence. (I'm sure Coco Chanel would not mind.)
Then tell me... IS love best in fairy tales?

I only wish I could be absolutely sure.
I still pursue the reckless abandon of it.

You will probably one day find me, if you haven't already, standing on the edge of that cliff hoping to fly. Part of my human nature deceives me into believing that, apart from all of you who fail in it, I will soar.
My love will be the happily ever after.
And so the folly of this human dilemma.

I wish you all the exuberant joy of that fabulous fall.
I'm only human, after all.
I say,"Go for it!"

Life is so Good.

Become a FOLLOWER !!!

Thanks ALL for your positive comments.
However some of you are having trouble with the comments format.
It's ok. Just click on Become a Follower then select private or public.

It will give me an idea of who you are, and what you like to read here.
It also notifies online publishing sources that might be interested in my writing that I already have "fans."

Thanks.

Make Memories !!!

Life is GOOD !

New Blog: THE WOW FACTOR

http://lifeasiseeithowaboutyou.blogspot.com/2010/03/wow-factor.html

I posted this on my new blog site for now.
It is that "WOW FACTOR" piece I mentioned some time ago.

What is the "WOW FACTOR" and why should you care?!

Click on it or cut and paste in your browser, and Njoy the read.

Thanks
;-)